It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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