Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
