too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
