I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
