I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
