i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
