She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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