Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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