WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
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i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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