Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
