My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
