nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
