how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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