i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth