dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve