I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
