His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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