dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
