I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
