I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
