i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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