my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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