Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
