Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
