im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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