i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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