I just threw up on my dentist
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
