The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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