No stitches, just platelets and will power
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
