I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
