why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
