I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
