My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
love makes seman taste better
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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