Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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