Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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