What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
