I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
