Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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