I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
