Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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