Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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