I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
