my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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