I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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