I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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