My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
