I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
