the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
