i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
