I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
