You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize