You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
