It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
