I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
