i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
