i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
