well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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