pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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