when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
