So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
