This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
